It seems like a straightforward answer, yet it’s quite challenging: If you wish for your adolescent to share more openly and engage in conversation with you, allow them to express themselves. Regardless of how shocking or upsetting the tale they are recounting may be, avoid interrupting. Don’t judge, critique, or make corrections. Stay composed and let them complete their thoughts.
Susan Newman, Ph.D., a social psychologist and author of works such as The Case for the Only Child, who also blogs for Psychology Today, emphasizes that a key method to fostering open dialogue is by ensuring your teen feels valued, and that their thoughts and feelings deserve to be heard.
Advice for engaging with teenagers
Newman outlines a handful of uncomplicated techniques to enhance communication with your teen; however, while these may appear simple in theory, the real challenge lies in overcoming your protective instincts and modifying your established habits.
Eliminate negativity
The primary and most crucial tactic, according to Newman, is to refrain from being judgmental and overly critical if you’re inclined to do so. When uncertain whether to stay quiet or speak up, consider the potential advantages of encouraging dialogue with your teen against the impulse to voice that burning comment. After all, is it truly necessary to reiterate your disdain for their friend’s vibrant green hair?
Establishing a consistent practice of listening will pave the way for enhanced communication with your teen, possibly fostering a relationship built on respect and trust that can be invaluable when navigating larger issues that may arise.
Listen to your teen during conversations
No matter how challenging it may be, it’s vital to let your teen speak. Newman offers an example: “If your son mentions, ‘Last night my friend John’s father gave us each a sip of wine’—which, of course, is something that should not happen. Your initial reaction might be, ‘What?! He did what?!’ However, it’s best to allow your teenager to elaborate. Interrupting is the last thing you want to do; you need to understand their perspective fully.”
Listening to the entire narrative is essential for discerning whether this friend’s father often provides alcohol to your underage son, as well as understanding your son’s response. Perhaps he wisely declined the offer, chose not to visit that friend’s house again, or explored various other actions. “Once your teen has shared everything, you can pose questions. However, it’s easy to jump to incorrect conclusions based on just two or three phrases,” Newman cautions.
If you continuously interrupt and interrupt your teen mid-story, the frequency of your conversations will likely diminish, as your teenager may think, ‘Talking isn’t worth it; my parents don’t listen,’” she adds.
Present advice in a friendly manner
According to Newman, parents can impart advice during discussions in ways that make their teens more receptive. “It’s uncommon to have an ideal teenage child, and you’ll naturally want to share your thoughts,” she notes. “A tactic that resonates with older teens is to say, ‘As your parent, it would feel wrong if I didn’t share this with you. You’re free to consider my advice or dismiss it, but as your mom or dad, I need to convey this. Otherwise, I feel like I’m neglecting my role as a parent.’ This approach allows your child to choose whether to heed your insight or not, making your advice feel less like an accusation and more like a suggestion.”
Speak up when necessary
There are moments when parents must express their opinions about serious concerns their teenagers may encounter. Such was highlighted in the Lake Dallas Independent School District, where, within a short span in 2011, “a 17-year-old from a local high school and a 14-year-old from the middle school both took their own lives,” with a third student attempting suicide, as reported by WFAA. “In light of these tragic events, you might ask your child, ‘What are your thoughts? Why do you think he felt that distressed? I hope you would talk to me if something ever upsets you because we can seek help together,’” Newman suggests.
Overall, Newman advises parents to underscored their readiness to listen, ensuring their teens know that they won’t pass judgment and won’t love them any less—regardless of the circumstances. “As a parent, your objective is to understand and assist if something is troubling your child,” she emphasizes.
Achieve a balance between privacy and protection
Nonetheless, it’s crucial to honor your teen’s need for privacy as well. “If you’re engaging in snooping, it just signals them to erect a barrier between you,” notes Newman, who acknowledges the fragile line between safeguarding a teen and respecting their privacy—especially regarding online matters. “Parents should discuss internet usage and the associated risks, especially concerning cyberbullying,” she adds.
Gayle Stinson, Ed.D., former superintendent of Lake Dallas Independent School District, concurs: “My basic suggestion for parents is to feel secure in engaging with their child’s social media activities…. Maintaining open communication with your child is essential.”
One approach Newman suggests, particularly with younger teenagers, is to ask them to demonstrate how their social networking platforms function. “Many younger teens, if not most, enjoy showcasing their ‘skills,’” Newman observes, which creates an opportunity for parents to discuss what behaviors are appropriate or inappropriate online.
Depending on your teen’s age, you might want to express, “I don’t mean to invade your space, but I’m seeking assurance about your online activities, and I’ll respect your boundaries,” Newman advises. “If you’ve established open communication, checking in with older teens occasionally for an update on their online experiences may also be beneficial, particularly if you suspect they could be at risk.”
Initiating conversations with teens
Now that you’re aware of how not to approach communication with your teen—avoiding interruptions, undue criticism, or judgment—it’s essential to understand how to foster dialogue in general.
Inquire about their hobbies and interests
Discuss topics that spark your teen’s interest unrelated to sensitive teenage matters. Ask them about a trending video game, the latest tech gadget, an upcoming sporting event, a new movie release, or a young artist who recently performed locally. Doing this regularly can be beneficial, as Newman suggests. If your teen appears moody or withdrawn, consider cutting out a relevant news article and leaving it on their bed or emailing a link for them to read.
Avoid overwhelming your teen with persistent questions aimed at engaging them—“As a conversational tactic, asking too many questions can prove counterproductive. Your teenager may perceive you as intrusive and bothersome,” observes Newman.
Engage in activities together to encourage communication
Another effective strategy for prompting dialogue with your teen is to partake in a shared activity. “Getting them on a bike typically works. Playing basketball is good, painting a room can be helpful, cleaning out the garage works—they may not be thrilled to participate, but you will have their focus,” Newman states. “Enjoying breakfast at a diner, or doing something unconventional like cooking pancakes together for dinner can also facilitate conversation.”
Allow your teen to invite a friend
Another useful approach is to include one of your teen’s friends in your activity. Once they start talking amongst themselves, give them space to connect, advises Newman. “However, try not to act overly friendly with your teenager’s friend. Avoid attempting to be fun or trendy, as they will likely find it cringe-worthy,” she cautions.
As mentioned earlier, it all seems straightforward. And yet, it’s quite challenging.
