I began to question my choice of partner when Pam angrily threw my BlackBerry across the room, resulting in a cracked screen against our metal bed frame. Moments later—after she stormed into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of spiced rum, gulped it down, and then smashed the bottle on the floor—my doubts were confirmed. I realized I was in the wrong relationship.
Our incompatibility was clear to not just our friends and family, but also to us. Yet, we were too deeply invested in our love to part ways. While love may be the primary requirement for a successful partnership, four years together taught me that love is not “all you need.” Despite our passionate relationship, our differences were tearing us apart.
I have no regrets about my time with Pam and we ended up on friendly terms, but now that I’m in an exciting marriage built on a strong foundation, I’ve come to realize there are essential traits—non-negotiables—that contribute to a healthy romantic connection. Let’s delve into what I’ve learned from my humorous missteps and fortunate turns in life.
Key Qualities to Seek in a Partner
“Marriage is like a pair of scissors, interconnected but cannot be separated; often working in opposing directions, yet always punishing anyone who intervenes.”
—Sydney Smith
Throughout our four years together, Pam and I fluctuated between happiness and despair. Our core values were not aligned, and we frequently disagreed on religion, children, living arrangements, financial spending, and even who would buy the next bottle of wine.
After we broke up, I promised myself that in my next relationship I would seek out what was missing and define some non-negotiables. Although my new wife and I still encounter challenges, I realized these qualities make her my ideal partner:
1. Shared values – Do your beliefs align with those of your partner? If valuing kindness is crucial to you, but your partner constantly puts others down, that’s a glaring warning sign. My wife and I intentionally sat down to draft our “relationship values,” a shared list of attributes we wanted to embody every day. Make the effort to have profound conversations about your life values and dreams while allowing space for disagreements on trivial matters.
2. Common interests – While your hobbies don’t need to be identical, if you hardly have anything in common with your partner, what will keep your relationship alive once the initial excitement fades? Engaging in activities together can foster joy and help you navigate through difficult times. My wife brought up literature on our first date, and as a language lover, I was nearly ready to propose right then and there. If you find it hard to pinpoint shared interests, don’t worry. You can discover something new together: whether it’s lawn darts, snorkeling, or skeet shooting, the choice is yours.
3. Honesty – What’s the most effective way to identify a partner who could cause you a lifetime of heartache? They lie. Deceit can indicate low self-esteem, an inflated ego, or even sociopathic tendencies. Healthy relationships cannot thrive without trust, and dishonesty shatters that trust. Do you think your partner only lies to others and not you? Perhaps, but would you risk the next three decades on that assumption? Complete honesty from your partner affirms that you are appreciated and valued, and it shows she is willing to confront relationship challenges head-on rather than allowing issues to linger.
4. Independence – At the outset of a relationship, you may feel an intense desire to be together all the time. Resist that urge! Your partner fell in love with the dynamic, interesting individual that you are. Spending every waking second together can erode your independence, leading to boredom. You start to recycle the same old stories, get trapped in monotonous routines, and lose that fresh energy. By maintaining a life outside of your relationship, you’ll keep the spark alive.
5. Enjoyment! – What’s the purpose of sharing your life with someone if they don’t contribute happiness and excitement to it? When I met my future wife five years ago, we both sensed the lightness and freedom of being together, marked by our bouts of laughter. Our shared adventures turned us into best friends. If you’re enjoying yourselves, it’s a strong indication you’ve made a smart choice.
Transform Yourself Before Transforming Your Partner
“The so-called ‘meaning of life’ unfolded before me. It turned out to be incredibly simple—offer love and expect nothing in return.”
—Andrei Gavrilov
Being discerning about a mate is essential, yet the best way to draw in that special someone is to focus on self-improvement first. The dating landscape is populated with individuals who have extensive, rigid lists of requirements, quick to dismiss potential partners over minor missteps while neglecting their own shortcomings. Yes, I said it!
Here are some qualities to develop before concluding there are no suitable men or women out there:
1. Patience – After planning a wedding for six months, my wife and I decided to renovate our home, stage it, rent it out, move all our belongings, quit our jobs, and embark on a six-month journey to Mexico—all while managing a business. Stress doesn’t quite cover the weight of those demands. For a time, it was easy to lose my temper, but I made an effort to consciously pause before responding, even if just for five seconds. When I do, I can almost always avoid unnecessary conflicts.
2. The ability to forgive – My ex-partner and I continually resurrected the same grievances. “Remember when you said this?” or “failed to do that?” These complaints were valid, but dwelling on them only bred resentment. After meeting my wife, I appreciated how she effortlessly let go of the small things I did wrong. I adopted her approach and found that releasing past grievances is liberating—and can make your partner fall even more in love with you. Give it a shot.
3. Generosity – When I sought advice from my uncle Rob, who’s been married to my aunt for nearly 20 years, he told me, “Be more generous than necessary.” Sure, it may not be your time to handle the dishes or feed the pets, or you might feel justified in not being reasonable because she isn’t. However, if you contribute more kindness to the relationship than seems justified, you’ll gain immense love points.
4. Self-respect – You teach others how to treat you (thanks, Oprah). In my previous relationship, I endured inappropriate flirtations and allowed my voice to be muted. Sacrificing your identity for someone else only cultivates resentment. When I became single again, I rebuilt my self-esteem and established minimum expectations for how I wished to be treated in my next relationship. When you genuinely love yourself, you’ll attract the love you deserve from others.
5. Trust – If you’ve been in a relationship, you’re likely familiar with heartache. Love can bring joy until your partner disappoints you. One betrayal can make you wary. If you’ve suffered many heartbreaks, regaining trust can be difficult. Take time to heal, but do it swiftly, and understand that this new relationship is not defined by your past. Your new partner warrants your complete trust; that’s the only pathway to authentic love.
Beware of Illusions
Many situations may seem like love but can sour after a time—often around the two-year mark. Why does this happen? Initially, you’re immersed in a whirlwind of hormones, and both partners are on their best behavior. The following three aspects can be prevalent in seemingly stellar relationships but do not, by themselves, create lasting love:
1. Intimacy – Who doesn’t appreciate a strong physical connection? A relationship lacking a healthy intimate bond can start to resemble a platonic arrangement, yet even exceptional chemistry cannot serve as the foundation for lasting love.
2. Idealization – “I can’t believe how amazing this guy is—we talked for hours last night, and he’s just so in sync with me!” The initial phases of getting to know someone are undeniably enchanting. Everything about your partner seems flawless, and they can do no wrong. While it’s wonderful to enjoy those feelings, remember that they won’t last forever. Eventually, even their quirks may start to annoy you. Be careful not to let infatuation obscure your view of their true character.
3. All criteria met – She’s attractive, successful, affluent, aligned with your political or religious views, or any combination thereof. However, being impressive on paper doesn’t always translate into a deep, meaningful connection. Genuine attraction can’t be quantified, and you should never be surprised to discover your “perfect” partner doesn’t live up to someone unexpected.
Relationships flourish and falter for a myriad of reasons. Each one is a unique journey, so don’t shy away from potential experiences while hoping for your perfect soul mate. It’s a disheartening myth that only one individual is destined for you.
Having sound judgment stems from experience, which is built on learning from mistakes, so take the leap to open your heart—even if it means you may eventually need to say farewell. Approach each relationship with open eyes and ensure you leave the other person in a better place than when you met them.
Life is an adventure; go forth and love.
