Dr. Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., goes beyond merely authoring self-help literature. The seasoned therapist for individuals and couples has recently released her book, Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive, which serves as a daily guide filled with insights into relationship dynamics. It offers practical advice like prioritizing empathy before providing solutions and distinguishing between reactive and intentional breakups. The format is conducive for couples to engage with the material together or independently. Additionally, Solomon is the host of the podcast “Reimagining Love,” where she engages with both listeners and expert guests.
We had a conversation with Solomon regarding her latest book and her roles as a clinician, educator, and author to discover ways to enhance self-awareness in relationships and foster healthier connections.
Q&A with Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.
(This conversation has been condensed for clarity and brevity.)
SUCCESS: To begin, could you share some insights about your professional background?
Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D.: I am a licensed clinical psychologist and couples therapist with 25 years of experience. My career can be likened to three corners of a triangle: I engage in clinical work with both individuals and couples across all ages and relationship phases. I also instruct a relationship and sexuality education course at Northwestern University named “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.” The third corner reflects my efforts to translate clinical expertise and research into accessible self-help literature, along with my podcasting and social media initiatives.
S: The format of Love Every Day is set up for daily reading. What motivated you to choose this structure?
AS: I have a fondness for 365-day formats. I believe it’s a generous gift for an author to present a snippet of wisdom for each day. I wanted to create something I personally cherish reading, but I also see how this format can mirror both the therapeutic experience of journaling and the dynamics of maintaining an intimate relationship.
S: Consistency is crucial in relationships, and forming a routine of reading a daily practice may add some enjoyment, don’t you think?
AS: It’s heartwarming to hear the varied ways couples are utilizing this book. Some keep it on their kitchen table to read an entry during their morning coffee, while others place it on their bedside table to reflect on a passage before sleeping. It doesn’t need to be a daily commitment; I want to emphasize that it’s not an all-or-nothing situation.
S: Why is self-awareness vital when analyzing your relationships?
AS: We derive our hopes, fears, and expectations in intimate partnerships from two primary sources: our family background and societal norms. Our family dynamics play a significant role as does the cultural conditioning regarding relationships and gender roles.
S: Relationships have come a long way. What aspects do you feel have remained constant throughout your practice?
AS: The initial cohort of college students I taught are now approaching their forties. Having observed generations of college students and couples, much remains unchanged. We still carry our emotional wounds into our relationships, yearning to feel seen, heard, and understood.
S: There seems to be a hesitance to define relationships today. How do you see these generational shifts manifesting?
AS: This reluctance is the most pronounced trend I’ve noticed in my classrooms. Twenty-four years ago, it was common to have engaged couples in my classes. A quick poll back then would show students classified as either single or coupled. In contrast, this year’s poll showed a range of statuses: single, casually dating, unsure, and committed. There’s a notable increase in relational ambiguity, reflecting broader social changes.
S: Given this context, how can one engage in relational self-awareness, regardless of the type of relationship desired, even if marriage isn’t the end goal?
AS: By practicing relational self-awareness, individuals can create an environment where others feel safe and valued. It fosters warmth and a sense of care, enhancing all interpersonal relationships.
S: From the perspective of self-awareness, what are the key pillars of strength in relationships?
AS: A key pillar is the ability to apologize and forgive. Conflicts in relationships are unavoidable, and being frustrated with one’s partner is part of that dynamic. Another crucial skill involves sexual self-awareness, where partners approach challenges with empathy and curiosity rather than fear. Also, the influence of our family background significantly shapes our behavior in romantic relationships. Relational self-awareness entails recognizing when your emotional reactions stem from past experiences rather than the current situation with your partner.
S: After someone finishes your book, what is the key takeaway you hope they gain?
AS: The foremost takeaway should be to abandon the common myth that relationships shouldn’t require effort or that encountering challenges indicates a poor choice. Moments of tension and miscommunication can serve as valuable lessons, offering insights into both yourself and your partner.
