“Alright, I’ll take the futon this time,” he reluctantly sighs. It’s 3:30 in the morning.
“No, that’s okay. I’ll sleep outside…” I weakly suggest, my voice thick with sleepiness. He gradually grabs three pillows and a blanket, making his way to the futon in the living room. I weakly add, “Hold on, I’ll join you….” But it’s too late. He’s already out the door.
The following morning, he enters the bedroom and kisses my forehead quickly before leaving for work. I later text him, “Sorry about last night,” accompanied by a red heart emoji, and make my way to the bathroom to put on makeup.
This particular scenario has been repeated more times than I can remember. My husband, David, and I have been together for 19 years, yet we seldom share a bed. If luck is on our side, we might find ourselves in our queen-size bed once a week. I’m an extremely light sleeper (even with earplugs in), and he is constantly shifting positions and fidgeting with his legs as he tries to doze off. The moment I feel his leg shake, I snap, “Cut it out!” He tells me to just wear earplugs, then he grabs his pillows and heads to the living area.
Reasons behind our separate sleeping arrangements
This has been an ongoing imperfection in our relationship since the beginning. I always urge him to stay in the bedroom—after all, happy couples should share a bed, right? I once casually mentioned to a couple of friends how we often don’t sleep together, and they all looked at me in concern. “That’s unusual,” one said. I began to worry. My apprehension led me to strive to make something work that clearly wasn’t meant to be. Being the more practical one, David suggested we start off the night in different beds, but I would never agree to that. If we weren’t sleeping in the same bed, did that mean our relationship was doomed?
During a New Year’s trip to Charleston, South Carolina, we had a king-sized bed and a pullout couch in our room. David knew he was feeling a bit restless one night, so he didn’t even try to share the bed with me. I was annoyed, slightly tipsy, and not in the mood for an argument. I fell asleep.
The next morning, having slept separately, I awoke to find a soy latte on the bedside table and a grinning David. We nestled under the covers, sipped our coffees, and laughed about spending way too much on a lavish four-course meal.
We didn’t sleep together the prior night, yet our morning felt truly joyful. It dawned on me that we didn’t need to be in the same bed to feel happy. Regardless of the imperfections in our relationship, we still found joy together. After seven years, I finally recognized that trying to force an arrangement that simply wasn’t going to happen was pointless. We love each other, but sharing a bed just isn’t in the cards for us. It’s that simple.
Finding happiness amid the imperfections of our relationship
We don’t have a flawless relationship by any means. It frustrates him that I spend excessive time on my phone. I get annoyed with how much basketball and football he watches on TV. I find it taxing that when he’s quiet, he won’t share his thoughts unless I prompt him. He feels irritated that I’m not as spontaneous as he is. Most Saturday nights, I prefer to slip into my PJs and watch TV instead of exploring a new cocktail spot.
But none of these minor imperfections feel significant when we’re twirling in our living room, practicing our first wedding dance in our underwear, or sharing laughs over green tea and fruit to “balance out” the fried chicken we just devoured. Our tiny issues seem trivial when he surprises me with a plane ticket to see my favorite band for my birthday or when I treat him to a sushi-making class on the anniversary of our first date. The joy overshadows the flaws.
Coming to terms with the imperfect elements of our relationship allowed me—an often anxious and obsessive person—to ease up. In my quest for perfection, I pressed for things in my life and our relationship that perhaps were never meant to materialize. I wanted to cook more for David, since he prepares dinner 90% of the time. Yet, I simply am not a good cook, and it doesn’t bring me joy. I wished for him to be more romantic and write me heartfelt letters weekly like I do for him. But that’s not his forte. He expresses his love in different ways, like making gluten-free mac and cheese from scratch after a long workday or ensuring my cold feet are warm with socks.
After recognizing the imperfect traits we each possess and how happy we are in our relationship despite those traits, I stopped fixating on the areas where we fell short.
Our blossoming relationship
David and I met when we were both 18 at a college party in New York City. He was my complete opposite. I was bubbly and energetic, while he was reserved and bashful. I majored in English and journalism, while he pursued neuroscience and pre-medicine. Standing at 6-foot-3, he was distinctly skinny, with curly black hair and the most adorable dimples I’ve ever seen. He was intriguing, compassionate, humble, and sincere.
Time went by without us crossing paths again. The next year, at 19, we began to see each other frequently—at the local coffee shop, on the subway, at the library. After encountering each other time and again in such a bustling city, we both felt that fate was linking us. Unbeknownst to us, our subtle choices were what drew us closer: I always studied near the window at a coffee shop on Third Avenue and 17th Street, hoping to catch a glimpse of David walking by. It later came to my attention that he intentionally took that route home just to see me in that window as well. (He’d typically have a cigarette in hand because he thought it was cool, but that’s a tale for another day.)
One evening, he finally asked me out to dinner after my friend dropped an unsubtle hint. And as they say, the rest is history. We spent our first date talking until 6 a.m., standing with our noses pressed against the windows of my dorm room, gazing down Third Avenue. We continued talking until 6 a.m. the following day, and then the next. We transformed from complete strangers into the closest of companions in a matter of weeks.
A joyful and healthy partnership in spite of its flaws
We were each other’s first serious relationship. The thrill and comfort of navigating everything together was exhilarating. If I ever felt uncertain about what to say or do, it didn’t trouble me because I knew he was in the same boat. We had nothing to compare our experiences with.
Our mutual lack of experience also led me to idealize our relationship significantly. Without a prior benchmark for what constitutes a healthy and happy relationship, any imperfections we encountered, even the trivial ones, felt monumental. It took many years for me to come to the realization, just as with our sleeping situation, that challenges are a natural part of any relationship—something expected, as long as they aren’t overwhelming.
David and I have often speculated about what our lives might look like if we had split after college, like many couples we knew did. We would have avoided the challenges of enduring long-distance dating for several years—the constant traveling back and forth and the ever-present loneliness that simmers just below the surface. If we had broken up, I most likely wouldn’t have moved to Dallas, where he attended medical school. Each of us could have lived out our plans just as we envisioned—near our families and friends—mine in Chicago, his in Los Angeles and Houston. It would have made our lives simpler.
A few years back, when David was in medical school, I relocated to Chicago to pursue a master’s degree. We each got a taste of how life could be apart from each other. I could meet up for dinner with my twin brother or shop with my best friend. He could visit his parents in Houston whenever he pleased and indulge in NBA games all night.
But it wouldn’t have been worth it. We could have found a semblance of happiness apart from each other, but it wouldn’t have been genuine fulfillment. Being away from those I cherish comes at the cost of being with the one I love most deeply. I couldn’t bear to miss out on sharing every moment—big, small, joyous, and painful—with him.
Elevating our imperfect relationship
I once asked David about his decision to propose to me. We had discussed marriage for a while, yet there was no definitive timeline.
“One day, you returned home from work, and we were in the kitchen,” he recalled. “You were sharing about your day as I prepared dinner, and I thought, This feels perfect. I never want to spend a day without her and moments like these. So why not make it official?”
In an era when fewer people are choosing marriage, I’ve had countless individuals inquire why we decided to tie the knot at 27, especially given that we aren’t planning on having children just yet.
No matter how secure someone might feel about the longevity of their marriage, there’s no way to achieve complete certainty. So what drives the decision? We’ve already lived together for four years. What would truly change, aside from me signing up for his health insurance and filing taxes together?
Unlike most couples, we each married the first person we dated. We navigated adult life hand in hand. While we weren’t childhood sweethearts, it was pretty darn close. Choosing to marry the first person we dated is a leap of faith in itself. Neither of us can genuinely fathom what being with someone else would be like, which is a daunting notion. Nonetheless, I felt marrying David was the right choice when I thought about the key aspects of our relationship: our honesty, trust, and ability to communicate openly. We discuss everything and anything without feeling shame or embarrassment. I feel like I have someone who genuinely supports me, no matter the circumstance. And that’s all I could wish for in a life partner.
Together, we conquer the imperfections in our relationship
We have overcome numerous obstacles in the past, and undoubtedly, many more await us in the future. At some point, we may have to relocate for his job, while I’m currently self-employed, running my freelance writing business. But to me, marriage symbolizes our commitment to persevere no matter what challenges arise. It would be easy to succumb to hardships—to part ways when faced with moving or financial instability. Marriage signifies our determination to stick together when confronted with such issues.
Wedding bands are not just a symbol of having found our match; they signify that we have found someone ready to weather the storms together. Someone who will support us when feeling anxious about a looming deadline or experiencing bouts of chronic back pain.
Embracing the imperfect elements of our relationship and gearing up for the inevitable challenges ahead has instilled in me a strong sense of confidence that our marriage will endure. Though some uncertainty lingers, it’s simply a part of life; you can never truly know. But you can certainly prepare for success. In fact, we booked a suite with two queen beds for our honeymoon in Greece.
