Spending time with family during the holidays is not always filled with joy. Uncle Arlo’s offensive jokes and your mom’s critiques can be frustrating. The unfortunate truth is that we have to accept our family members as they are. The good news is that it’s not our job to change them.
Erin Foley, Ph.D., a life coach in Portland, Oregon, notes that trying to change others can lead to increased suffering for ourselves. The more we try to fix someone else, the more we end up hurting.
Here are some tips for managing anger, annoyance, and resentment when avoiding family is not an option:
1. Reflect on the root of your anger.
If your brother’s travel stories make you jealous, consider why. Are you insecure about your own success? Do you wish you could have child-free adventures like him? Address your feelings by communicating honestly with him. Tell him, “I feel envious when you talk about your trips. I wish I could provide the same experiences for my family. But I am genuinely happy for you.” While this approach may seem unconventional, it can lead to better understanding and connection.
2. Set and enforce your boundaries.
Others don’t violate your boundaries; you allow them to. Foley suggests that if your parents pressure you to visit longer than you’d like, stand firm in your decision. Protecting your boundaries from the start prevents resentment and guilt later on. It may be uncomfortable, but it’s essential to prioritize your needs.
3. Interact with family members as if they were strangers.
Approach conversations with family members as you would with strangers. By detaching from past associations and judgments, you can engage more openly. Ask genuine questions and focus on positive traits, such as your brother’s storytelling abilities or your parents’ generosity. This shift in perspective can make interactions more enjoyable and harmonious.
Focusing on the positive aspects of your family members’ personalities can enhance your time together, whether it’s during the holidays or any day of the year.
