You’ve heard the bad news: Almost half of marriages in the United States end in divorce. But there is a silver lining. Success in marriage, like in life, is not determined by external statistics, but by internal factors within your life and home. Polls don’t dictate your marital success, your personal actions do.
“Despite the prevalence of divorce in our society, we should not give up easily,” says relationship expert Gary Chapman. “Marriage involves a deep, unique bond—both physically and emotionally. Because of this, we strive to make it work despite our differences.”
In Pursuit of Happily Ever After
Each year, around 4 million individuals promise to love and cherish each other in marriage ceremonies throughout the United States. “Nearly all of these couples expect to ‘live happily ever after’,” writes Chapman in his book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. “No one enters marriage with the intention of being unhappy or causing unhappiness to their spouse. … People don’t plan on getting divorced.”
Chapman believes divorce often occurs due to inadequate planning and lack of understanding about the true meaning of marriage. People plan for their careers, families, finances, and vacations, but fail to have a plan for their marriage. This might be because they enter this life-changing commitment under the influence of what Chapman calls “euphoric love.” This temporary state of euphoria makes individuals see their partner as perfect, until reality sets in and they see them as a flawed human being. Many couples are not prepared for this transition.
“The euphoric feeling commonly known as falling in love typically lasts around two years,” Chapman explains. When this feeling fades, couples are left with a more realistic view of their partner. “Before, you saw them as flawless. Now, you see them as a real person with strengths and weaknesses. Most couples are unprepared for this shift.”
Before anything else, it’s important to acknowledge that the euphoric phase won’t last forever. Enjoy it while it lasts, but be aware that something better may be ahead if you plan for it. Chapman, with 35 years of experience counseling couples, believes that many struggles could have been avoided if couples had taken the time to prepare more thoroughly for marriage.
So, how does one prepare for marriage? It may seem obvious, but it starts with truly understanding your partner. Learn about their views on politics, debt, religion, family planning, and other important topics. Discuss your preferences, strengths, weaknesses, and expectations regarding housework, finances, child-rearing, and taking care of aging parents. If you are already married and don’t know these answers, now is the time to have these conversations. Creating a life plan together can set you up for success.
Navigating Rough Waters
Perhaps you are already married and the initial euphoria has faded. Real life has taken over with bills, busy schedules, and everyday responsibilities. This is when the vows of “for better or for worse” truly come into play. During the exciting early stages of love, the “for worse” part might have seemed impossible. You may have even ignored advice to plan for a successful marriage, believing that being in love was enough. However, real-life challenges emerge.
Marital issues aren’t always caused by major catastrophes like illness or financial ruin. Everyday stresses can strain a relationship, leading to arguments over petty issues like household chores. “Couples often argue because they lack a plan to handle such situations,” Chapman observes. The daily pressures of life combined with the fear of losing that initial spark can put strain on a marriage. “Couples might think, ‘Oh no! I don’t feel the same as before’.”
Moreover, couples may become busy and distracted as they juggle careers and parenting. “Over time, married couples may realize they have grown apart,” Chapman notes. “When you neglect a marriage, you begin to drift apart. If you don’t make efforts to reconnect, the distance between you will only increase.” But this doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. In fact, Chapman believes that after the initial excitement fades, it’s possible to build a stronger and happier marriage: “By learning to communicate in each other’s love language, you can maintain an emotional connection that surpasses the fleeting feelings of euphoria.”
What’s even better is that it’s never too late to rekindle that emotional connection. Chapman shares that he has worked with couples who only discovered each other’s love language after decades of marriage: “Many couples have told me that while their marriage wasn’t particularly warm, they didn’t fight either. They’d say, ‘We were like roommates. But when we started speaking each other’s love languages, it changed our marriage.’ Whether you are newlyweds or have been together for years, understanding your spouse’s love language can significantly improve your relationship.”
Speaking the Same Language
In his popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Chapman defines love languages as the “five ways people speak and understand emotional love.” Take a look at the brief descriptions below to identify your love language.
Words of Affirmation:
Words are important. Hearing “I love you” and receiving compliments mean a lot, while negative words can have a deep impact.
Quality Time:
Spending dedicated time together is crucial for this person. Quality time is more valuable than any material gift.
Receiving Gifts:
Gifts, whether big or small, are a tangible representation of love and affection.
Acts of Service:
Actions speak louder than words for this individual. Performing tasks and helping out around the house are expressions of love.
Physical Touch:
Physical gestures like a gentle touch or hug are key in making this person feel loved.
Understanding your spouse’s love language is the first step in building a strong connection. “It’s rare for a husband and wife to share the same love language,” Chapman explains. “We naturally speak in our own love language. But if yours is different from your spouse’s, you are missing the mark. Your intentions may be genuine, but you’re not truly touching their heart.”
Once you’ve identified your partner’s love language, start incorporating it into your interactions. Understand that it might be challenging at first. “If you didn’t grow up in an environment where you heard affirming words, speaking words of affirmation may feel difficult,” Chapman acknowledges. The same applies to physical touch if displays of affection were scarce in your upbringing, or to gift-giving if you are naturally frugal. Chapman advises taking small steps.
For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, start by looking for phrases in magazines or books, and pay attention to kind words spoken by others. Practice saying these phrases aloud in front of a mirror when alone. “Then pick a phrase and tell your spouse when they’re not looking at you … and run!” Chapman suggests with a smile.
If your spouse responds to physical touch but you find it challenging, start with small gestures. Write down potential touch ideas, like a shoulder pat or a hand on their leg while driving. “Choose one that feels easier for you and try it out,” Chapman recommends. “With time, you can learn how to touch, even if physical affection was lacking in your upbringing.”
The more you practice these love languages, the more natural they will become. “The beauty of it is that it’s highly rewarding, and anyone can learn these languages.”
While ideally both partners should make an effort to speak each other’s love language, this may not always happen, especially during times of stress. However, it’s crucial to communicate in your spouse’s love language even if it’s not reciprocated immediately.
“Love is about choosing to reach out to the other person, regardless of how they respond. You may want to ask your spouse, ‘On a scale of one to 10, how loved do you feel by me?’ Then follow up with, ‘What can I do to make it a 10?’ In time, they may ask you the same questions,” Chapman advises. “Love is a lifestyle. It’s a part of who you are, so when others interact with you, they should feel loved. Often, people may reciprocate, but that shouldn’t be the goal. The aim is to enhance each other’s lives.” Make this your objective in your marriage, and you may find yourself truly living happily ever after.
