The manager of a small yet bustling public library located in the Midwest, Marcia Fanning (a pseudonym) reflects on her past, admitting that she was subdued and often didn’t assert herself for many years: “I allowed others to trample over my rights, which left me feeling quite miserable most of the time.”
However, a significant turning point came one day.
After making a minor mistake at work, a library board member famed for her tyrannical attitude sent a scolding email to Fanning’s private email, copying the entire board in the process. Fanning accepted responsibility for her mistake, expressed her regret, and requested that work-related correspondence be directed only to her professional email. Yet, the trustee then forwarded a similar message to her work account. The following day, she appeared at the library to admonish Fanning face-to-face, in front of her colleagues.
“That’s when I lost it,” Fanning recalls. “I stood my ground and declared, ‘As far as I’m concerned, this matter is closed. Your message is perfectly clear. I’ve apologized, and that’s all there is to it.’”
The trustee retreated, remarking, “Well, looks like we finally have a director now,” signifying that Fanning had demonstrated the necessary assertiveness for her position, before leaving the premises.
That incident occurred nine years ago, and Fanning’s life has never been the same. She had unearthed the strength that comes with standing up for oneself, liberating herself from the chains of bullying, backstabbing, and feeling overlooked.
The stress-reducing effects of assertiveness
While the idea of going along to get along may seem like a stress-free way to navigate your interactions, the reality is that acquiring the ability to stand your ground—specifically asking for what you want, saying no when the situation demands, and insisting on the respect you deserve—is a much more powerful strategy for approaching life with confidence.
“Being assertive serves as a tool to minimize anxiety about confronting what we fear, which often involves advocating for ourselves and establishing our boundaries,” states Vancouver-based psychologist Randy J. Paterson, author of five books including The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships and How to be Miserable in Your Twenties: 40 Strategies to Fail at Adulting.
Of course, the prospect of being assertive can be intimidating.
“You could encounter resistance,” warns psychologist Guy Winch, who authored How to Fix a Broken Heart. “There might be disputes, you may need to justify your position, and someone may react unpleasantly. Moreover, advocating for yourself is subjective; it involves clearly defining what you deserve. People often experience anxiety surrounding the question: Is this going to make me seem whiny, entitled, or selfish?”
Communication styles of those who find assertiveness challenging
Individuals who struggle with assertiveness generally display one of three behaviors when they find themselves in situations where they need to be assertive. According to Paterson, they may act passively, yielding to others; aggressively, attempting to force compliance; or passively-aggressively, seeking revenge through indirect methods instead of expressing their wishes directly.
Passive individuals prioritize the needs, wants, or opinions of others over their own, often resulting in feelings of powerlessness or invisibility. “The more passive you become, the more any other action will feel like intolerable aggression,” Paterson suggests.
Many mistakenly equate assertiveness with aggression, visualizing it as loud, confrontational demands. While such tactics may work short-term, Paterson notes that they ultimately lead to isolation, as aggressive individuals are often resented and avoided.
Meanwhile, passive-aggressive individuals attempt to maintain the appearance of compliance, but engage in covert retaliations—such as “forgetting” to deliver on promises, engaging in betrayal, or undermining projects. “The essence of passive aggression lies in deniability,” Paterson explains. “They can claim no intention of causing harm… Generally, passive-aggressives view themselves purely as passive.”
Strategies for effectively standing up for yourself
Assertiveness is a skill that anyone can learn. Here are some pointers to begin your journey:
- Start with small steps. “You don’t need to tackle the most daunting issue right away,” advises Winch, author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts. He recommends starting with simple requests, such as asking a customer service representative to waive a late fee. Paterson suggests having those in his assertiveness courses make reservations at a restaurant, then call back later to cancel.
- Understand it from within. During breaks in his assertiveness training, Paterson encourages participants to visit the cafeteria, focusing on adopting an assertive posture as they walk—head held high, shoulders back, and avoiding gazing at the floor.
- Fake it till you make it. Before asking them to walk confidently down the hospital corridor, Paterson suggests people channel their “inner George Clooney—not so much Clint Eastwood.” Senior financial adviser Diana Bacon recommends clients who feel too timid to request their proper salary to emulate the most assertive person they know. “I encourage them to pretend they’re the most assertive person they’ve met and take on that persona.”
- Accept that it takes practice. You may initially come off as overly aggressive or too passive, so don’t lose heart. “Reward yourself for trying,” Winch advises, “and continue to adjust until you find the communication style that resonates with you.” According to Paterson, “Many people interpret their awkwardness as a sign of failure when they’re simply engaging in something new. It doesn’t come naturally at first, just as driving a car, wielding a tennis racket, or swimming does—but it becomes less daunting as you recognize that the world won’t end nor will people abandon you.”
Taking charge of your actions is foundational to standing up for yourself
Learning to be assertive begins with the realization that your goal is not to control others’ actions—instead, it’s about managing your own behavior. “With 8 billion people on the planet, you can focus on controlling just one of them,” notes Paterson. True assertiveness entails recognizing your needs and boundaries, and taking action to ensure they are addressed, rather than trying to modify someone else’s behavior.
Bacon observes that her clients frequently struggle to establish appropriate rates for their services or products. “They recognize that their work has value and think, Yes, I should start a business. However, the moment it’s time to say, ‘I’ll do this for you at a cost of X,’ they become completely overwhelmed,” she explains. “This is due to the ‘I’m-sorry’ mentality: ‘I’m sorry I must charge you for this.’”
To assist clients in overcoming this mentality, Bacon encourages them to concentrate on their own value rather than solely on their customers’ requirements. She often has them bring up their business websites and read their bios, but insists they envision it in terms of somebody else’s name. “I say, ‘Let’s think about someone else’s bio together.’” This shift in perspective allows many women to see the market value of their own contributions and acknowledge that setting fees isn’t about appeasing others. While they can’t dictate what people are willing to pay, they have full control over their pricing.
Paterson shares the story of a woman who attended his assertiveness training and expressed her frustration over her teenage son, who consistently returned her car on empty, despite repeated reprimands.
“Eventually, she informed her son that he could bring the car back with or without gas,” Paterson recounts. “If he returned it with gas, she would allow him to borrow it again. If he didn’t, she would still allow it after a two-week period. We recognized that declaring that she would never lend it again would be unrealistic. The intended approach was for her to manage her emotional responses: no anger, no yelling, no nagging. She focused on controlling her own actions instead of attempting to control her son.” Although the method didn’t yield immediate results, which is commonplace, it ultimately proved effective.
Plan your assertiveness
When you need to assert yourself, it’s wise to have a game plan—avoid firing off impulses. “I’ll engage with everyone’s viewpoint, weigh my own thoughts, and then present my stance,” explains Monica Joy. “You need to be confident about your position, and thoroughly consider what you want to express before speaking up.”
What exactly are you aiming for? Perhaps you seek respect, appropriate compensation, or a full tank of gas? “One common pitfall is that people begin speaking before clarifying their position,” Paterson points out. For instance, before confronting a dry cleaner for ruining a favorite shirt, determine what would make you feel satisfied. While many believe that allowing the company to initiate the discussion leads to better outcomes, sharing your expectations can be more effective, as long as it’s reasonable, advises Winch.
If you’re uncertain about your position, acknowledge that as well. For example, if you’re going out with friends and crave Greek food but they’re thinking of a hibachi place: is your craving one you can’t compromise on, or is it flexible? If you’re collaborating with a colleague on a project and firmly believe your title is superior to theirs, consider whether it’s worth pushing for it, risking awkwardness. Reflect on how crucial the title is to the project’s overall success and act accordingly.
Select an appropriate medium for communication
When you choose to voice your concerns on a significant issue, which format is most suitable: phone call, email, or face-to-face (if options are available)?
Each medium has its pros and cons, according to Paterson. Writing enables you to articulate your thoughts clearly and revisit them before committing, and he recommends drafting sensitive emails in a text document to avoid premature sending. However, the absence of nonverbal communication in emails can be problematic; a light-hearted comment might not convey the same humor via email.
Phone calls and emails can alleviate the stress of managing both verbal and nonverbal cues in tough conversations. Nevertheless, Paterson emphasizes that face-to-face discussions are often the best choice. Mastering your nonverbal signals is essential. “Practice maintaining a relaxed posture,” he advises. “Observe how your body reacts when you feel tense. Take on that tense position first, and then consciously adjust your posture—extend your arms, roll your shoulders back, and relax.”
Mindful assertiveness
Choose your language cautiously
In sensitive situations, the language you use is crucial. When Bacon needs to convey unfavorable information to her clients (for example, informing them that their desired service is beyond their budget), she consciously avoids the word “you.” She strives to align herself with the person she’s addressing. For example, she might say, “Let’s reevaluate our approach,” thus positioning herself as a partner in the discussion.
Winch favors the term “disappointed.” “This word effectively communicates dissatisfaction without sounding hostile or vengeful. It fosters supportive and empathetic connections,” he explains. Using the phrase “I felt genuinely let down by this” can also be effective.
“Keep it concise,” Winch adds. “There’s often a lot of context, but 90% of it likely isn’t needed, so skipping unnecessary details will help clarify your message.”
Maintain a constructive demeanor
It’s also essential to control your reactions. Joy prioritizes calm, friendly discussions coupled with logical reasoning. “I strive for fairness. It’s not solely about my way or the highway,” she admits, yet acknowledges moments when she’s lost her composure—outcomes she typically regrets.
Expressing anger usually proves counterproductive, according to Winch. “Anger diverts attention, making the situation about your feelings rather than the issue at hand.” True assertiveness involves finding balance, maintaining dignity without being either too aggressive or overly passive.
Uphold your boundaries
When striving to shift established patterns, expect initial pushback, no matter how skillfully you assert yourself. “People often react with more negativity when you start asserting yourself,” Paterson cautions. “The problem you’re addressing will likely get worse before it gets better. Resistance will naturally escalate, leading you to think, What was I thinking? However, by adhering to your boundaries, the resistance typically diminishes. Anyone who has raised children can attest to this.”
Know when to disengage
Even after mastering assertiveness techniques, you won’t find every situation easy. “These skills improve over time, but there will still be moments when things don’t come instinctively,” Paterson acknowledges.
Despite her adeptness at assertiveness, Joy sometimes finds herself overwhelmed. She recounts her struggle to get a contractor to confirm a start date. After several calls and the contractor’s frustration leading to a hang-up, Joy decided to step back from the project: “I refused to work with someone lacking professionalism.”
Paterson proposes alternative, more assertive tactics. Joy could have called back and offered the contractor “the benefit of the tiny doubt, perhaps claiming connectivity issues,” he says. She could have reminded him that as the project manager, he was working for her. She could ask additional questions (Will he meet deadlines? Is he anticipating challenges? Does he require subcontracting?). Finally, she could have suggested he consider the situation from her viewpoint: “As you know, we require your part before moving forward with X, Y, and Z, which means I need clear dates to coordinate with others.” Lastly, she might ask whether he prefers to retract and terminate the contract.
Is it a walk in the park? Not at all. And sometimes, as Joy did, you might find it easier to walk away from a challenging situation. Nonetheless, developing assertiveness skills is invaluable.
The Benefits of Advocating for Yourself
Joy utilized her assertiveness skills while caregiving for her mother, who passed away from breast cancer when Joy was 28. She took a year off to tend to her mother’s needs, including accompanying her to doctor consultations and chemotherapy sessions. “I had to be firm multiple times,” she states—particularly insisting that skeptical doctors conduct tests that verified her concerns regarding the cancer’s recurrence. Although the results didn’t improve her mother’s condition, they did clarify her situation.
As for Fanning, challenging the domineering trustee was a pivotal incident that transformed her into a more capable director. During severe budget cuts at the library, she took it upon herself to meet privately with the mayor and council members to advocate for her needs. It proved successful. “I discovered, Oh, I can actually confront adults. It was difficult at first, but strangely, it garnered respect from others. Then I’d isolate myself for a moment to stop the trembling,” she recalls.
Bacon observes that asserting oneself grants her “the self-assurance to enter unfamiliar environments. I started weightlifting a couple of years back, amidst groups of men at the gym. Their presence doesn’t deter me. I won’t relinquish my space just because a 22-year-old feels entitled to it.”
While being assertive doesn’t guarantee compliance from others, it instills a sense of power and ownership of your place in the world. “Successfully advocating for yourself can undoubtedly lift your spirits,” Winch affirms. “It empowers you.”
