Who is your closest friend? Back in your teen years, naming at least one or two would have been a breeze. You likely placed a higher value on your friendships compared to family, spending much of your time with them. However, as an adult, identifying which friends are truly reliable and managing to find sufficient time for those friendships amid your busy schedule can be more challenging. Here are ways to recognize your genuine friends and ensure they remain a priority in your life.
Clearly articulate “friendship”
To identify who your friends are, start by defining what friendship means. A friendship is described as “a bond between two people in which both feel acknowledged and secure in fulfilling ways,” according to Shasta Nelson, an expert on social relationships and author of The Business of Friendship: Making the Most of Our Relationships Where We Spend Most of Our Time. Nelson notes that numerous studies indicate individuals with healthy friendships exhibit traits like “consistency, openness, and positivity.”
It’s also essential to remember that friends, unlike family members, are chosen connections. “Friendship is a voluntary relationship,” explains Anna Goldfarb, a journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. “It stands out as one of the few voluntary relationships where both parties are equally matched.”
Recognize the evolution of friendship from adolescence to adulthood
During their teenage years, individuals typically rely on friendships to shape their identities and find their place in the world. These relationships also serve as a coping mechanism for challenging situations. Studies suggest that teens who lean on friends during stressful periods tend to cope more effectively and enjoy greater happiness than those who don’t seek companionship.
Much like teenage friendships, adult friendships are crucial for mental well-being and a sense of community. “Friendships foster a feeling of belonging,” Nelson emphasizes. “This, in turn, creates a sense of safety within our minds.”
Although friendships play a similar role for both teens and adults, maintaining them can become more difficult as we grow older. Goldfarb points out that one reason for this shift is that “issues faced as a teenager are often far simpler” while “as we age, we encounter significantly more challenges to our free time.” She further explains that the lack of an institutional framework—like being in school together—makes it harder to sustain friendships as adults.
6 strategies to nurture your friendships as an adult
1. Create a prioritized friendship list
How can you keep up adult friendships amidst a busy life? Nelson advises beginning with identifying the friendships you wish to prioritize.
Friendships are naturally expected to evolve over time. “About fifty percent of our close friends change every seven years,” she states. “However, we generally want to maintain some friendships through the various phases of life.”
Nelson recommends creating a list of the friendships you want to nurture. The individuals on this list should be “those we are dedicated to making time for and reaching out to.”
In a similar vein, Goldfarb emphasizes the need for intention: “Be deliberate about who you are investing in.” She notes that deep emotional connections can only be shared with a few people, and having too many individuals on your list can lead to feeling overwhelmed and burnt out—it’s simply not sustainable.
2. Communicate to your friends that they are VIPs
When you marry, you define that relationship and make a commitment to prioritize that person. Goldfarb asserts that friendships should similarly be clearly defined. “Let them know they are among your closest friends to eliminate ambiguity,” she suggests. After informing her friends that they hold a special place in her life, Goldfarb observes that “the energy shifts” as it helps others feel secure about the relationship.
3. Clarify what being on your priority friend list means
Once you’ve communicated to your friends that they are on your priority list, Goldfarb recommends explaining the significance of this to you. This effort helps remove any confusion, something most teenagers tend to do naturally.
Even in adulthood, maintaining open discussions is beneficial. “When we were younger,” she recalls, “we’d say, ‘You’re my best friend.’” Today, she defines what this friendship means by sharing, “‘I will do my best to respond to your messages promptly… and celebrate your birthday every year. … I’m dedicated to being there when you need me.’” She likens this to a fan club with exclusive benefits for members.
4. Be aware of power dynamics
Given that friendships are voluntary, Goldfarb emphasizes being “mindful of power dynamics. Avoid attempting to dominate your friends—they won’t appreciate it,” she cautions. This includes steering clear of language like “should,” as in, “‘You should change your hair color’” or “‘You ought to try this gym.’” A healthy friendship entails “viewing your friend as an ally” whom you support.
5. Show consistency if a friendship is waning
If you perceive that your friendship is weakening, Nelson recommends increasing your consistency. Pose the question, “‘How can we schedule more time together?’” If time management is a problem, consider establishing a recurring meeting—like grabbing coffee every Monday at 8 a.m.
6. Reach out and affirm if it’s been a while since you connected
“Engage in the two A’s,” Nelson suggests. “Acknowledge the relationship and express your needs for reconnection.” Acknowledgment might involve stating that you miss the time spent together. “This indicates to the other person that they are valued,” she explains. “The intention is to vocally recognize the absence. We’re not pretending it didn’t happen.”
The next step, asking, focuses on finding a way to reunite. “The aim is to acknowledge any distance and take actions to bridge that gap and schedule time together,” adds Nelson.
As adults, finding time for friendships can be a challenge, but the effort is worth it. Just think of Woody from Toy Story 2, who eloquently states, “At the end of it all, I’ll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company—for infinity and beyond.”
