I was raised in a nurturing, affectionate family that radiated positivity. My parents rarely, if ever, spoke ill of anyone; it simply wasn’t part of our household. Thus, when I ventured out on my own and started receiving harsh critiques from those I was leading, it was a major shift for me. One of the toughest emotional challenges I encountered was dealing with criticism. Thankfully, a wise acquaintance once told me, “John, if you’re feeling the heat, it means you’re leading from the front.”
What he meant was that to be a leader, you must be prepared for criticism—it’s just part of the territory. The cost of leadership often includes facing criticism. People typically overlook those in the last place. However, when you’re in front, every detail is magnified, making it crucial to learn how to manage criticism in a productive way. The four-step approach below, which I detail in my book Leadership Gold, has proven effective when receiving criticism as a leader, and I would like to share it with you.
1. Know yourself
This involves facing reality. Early in my career, I strived to keep everyone satisfied. It took a while for me to grasp that leadership involves making some tough decisions that might upset certain individuals. I began to ask myself: Do I want to prioritize others’ happiness, or do I truly want to lead? It became clear to me that I needed to understand myself better.
Throughout the years, various individuals have attempted to assist me in discovering my own identity. Many kick off these discussions with, “I’m going to share something for your benefit.” I’ve come to realize that these conversations often lack anything genuinely positive to say! Yet, these interactions have taught me valuable lessons about myself, particularly revealing many of my shortcomings. I recognized that what I need to hear most often is what I prefer to hear the least. Some of the most insightful individuals in my life have been my critics rather than my friends.
2. Change yourself
This is about taking responsibility. To effectively navigate criticism, knowing yourself is not enough; you must also be willing to change. Herbert Agar said, “The truth that frees people is frequently the truth they would rather not acknowledge.” My version of this is straightforward: You will discover the truth, and it may just infuriate you.
Here are some inquiries I pose to myself to discern whether criticism is constructive or detrimental:
- Who delivered the criticism? Constructive feedback from a wise individual is far more valuable than the enthusiastic endorsement of a fool.
- In what manner was it presented? Were the remarks condescending, or did they extend an opportunity for understanding? Essentially, what was the intent behind the criticism?
- What was the purpose behind it? Was the criticism intended to hurt me personally or offered for my benefit?
Jonas Salk, famed for his development of the polio vaccine, encountered many detractors despite his significant achievements. He once noted, “People will initially tell you that you’re mistaken. Then, they’ll acknowledge your correctness but trivialize your efforts. Eventually, they’ll concede you’re right and that your work is crucial. Yet, all along, they knew this.”
No matter the legitimacy of the criticism, I’ve found that my response to comments I find unpleasant determines whether I benefit from them or merely suffer beneath their weight. Therefore, I’ve resolved not to react defensively when criticized but to seek out the truth, implement the necessary adjustments, and take the high road.
3. Accept yourself
This pertains to maturity. I saved a quote from “Dear Abby” years ago, as I appreciate her insight on maturity. She stated, “Maturity is: The ability to stick with a task until completion. The ability to perform a job without supervision. The ability to manage finances without unnecessary spending. And the ability to endure injustice without the desire for revenge.”
Maturity also empowers you to accept yourself, which is the first step toward personal improvement. Carl Rogers expressed this well: “The intriguing paradox is that upon accepting myself as I am, I become capable of change.”
Leo Buscaglia advised, “The easiest person to be in the world is you. The most challenging is being what others expect of you.” If you find yourself concerned about others’ perceptions of you, it’s likely because you place greater value on their opinions than on your own. As Judith Bardwick articulated, “True confidence stems from understanding and accepting yourself—your strengths and weaknesses—rather than relying on validation from others.”
4. Forget yourself
This revolves around security. Many of us spend a significant portion of our formative years worrying about others’ perceptions of us. Yet by the time we reach maturity, we often realize that the world isn’t paying much attention. Secure individuals can set aside their own concerns to focus on others. This grants us the confidence to accept criticism and even assist our critics.
Secure individuals possess self-awareness. They recognize their flaws and mistakes but do not allow critiques to diminish their self-worth. They have the ability to laugh at themselves.
One of my favorite sayings is, “Blessed are those who can find humor in their own shortcomings; they shall never lack for entertainment.” For many years, I’ve found amusement in my own blunders throughout life. I even learned to find humor in my heart attack from ten years ago.
While recuperating, I spent time contemplating what my life would mean if I hadn’t survived. What would my funeral entail? How many individuals would attend? As is well known, the attendance on that day will largely depend on the weather. Furthermore, what happens shortly after they lay you to rest? Yes, half an hour after a burial, the predominant concern for your loved ones is how swiftly they can reach the community center to enjoy some potato salad.
In facing criticism, it’s crucial to first acknowledge that much of what people say about you holds some truth. So, assess the feedback, accept it, and make necessary adjustments. Meanwhile, realize that the other half is often a reflection of their own issues. When you truly know yourself, you gain insight into your strengths and areas for growth. Begin addressing necessary changes and shift your focus away from yourself to better serve others. Criticism will persist, but if you can reach this fourth level of understanding, it won’t negatively impact your life.
This lesson has been invaluable for me as a leader, and I trust it will prove helpful to you as well.
