It’s that season again when countless individuals set goals that almost always fall by the wayside. As for me? With my unique positions in both politics and entertainment—plus a little side gig as a Sears catalogue underwear model, but that’s a tale for another day—I would rather make predictions. And not just any predictions, mind you. I’m talking about forecasts that I am absolutely sure will materialize in the upcoming year, including Melania Trump’s ribbon-cutting at the recently acquired Panama City Canal and Aaron Rodgers guiding the Jets towards an impeccable, ayahuasca-inspired 17-0 record.
So reach out to your betting agent, download PrizePicks, and head to Las Vegas to place your bets on these forecasts. Just know that I won’t be liable for any changes to your investment portfolio thereafter.
Nicole Kidman is set to take home a Golden Globe for her role in Babygirl, leaving every member of the Proud Boys in disbelief as they learn that women do, in fact, experience orgasms.
The US Senate decides against confirming RFK Jr. as the secretary of Health and Human Services. Instead, President Trump selects Luigi Mangione, who quickly becomes the Cabinet’s most favored member. In a related twist, Cheryl Hines ends her relationship with Junior to pursue Luigi.
Three words about Martha Stewart: Mrs. Snoop Dogg. We can all see it! Her affection for Snoop parallels Mariah Carey’s fondness for lip syncing. And speaking of lips, Kimberly Guilfoyle can finally beam with joy again after suffering from a viral Botox mishap on inauguration day.
Boeing reveals that their true intention was to abandon those two astronauts in space all along, proudly announcing their mission as a success. (The astronauts are still stranded in space.)
The Pulitzer Prize in literature is awarded to Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski for their published work, Misson to Mars…A Lago. During the ceremony, Scarborough proclaims that Joe Biden is in such phenomenal shape that he could play power forward for the Lakers.
Matt Gaetz finds himself double booked for the prom season. And by double booked, I mean he’s in trouble with the law.
Trump embraces the climate change movement and simultaneously unveils his answer to the dilemma: air conditioners branded under his name. (Slogan: The man overflowing with hot air offers cold comfort.)
Arizona Senator Ruben Gallego announces his intention to run for President, prompting Trump to declare plans to deport Ruben Gallego.
In a fit of jealousy over her rising popularity, Jake Paul throws down the gauntlet to Taylor Swift for a 10-round boxing match. Swift delivers a knockout blow to Paul in the second round, seamlessly transitioning into a live Netflix performance of “Look What You Made Me Do.”
Significant economic news: To rejuvenate dwindling baby oil sales, Diddy is granted a weekend leave; concurrently, Justin Baldoni is dismissed from his position as an Olive Garden busboy for making inappropriate remarks about a breadstick.
In an unexpected career pivot, Nancy Pelosi elegantly poses for Playboy as Miss November. Likes: winning elections. Dislikes: AOC.
The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Barack Obama for brokering a peace agreement between Elon Musk and Laura Loomer.
