As we gather for Thanksgiving, it’s a moment for all of us to pause and appreciate the blessings in our lives, regardless of the hurdles we encounter. For those few who have previously engaged with my writings, the upcoming sentiments might come off as unexpectedly sweet and kind… but this is the redefined me, now filled with hope and positivity because America is, indeed, Great Again:
I am grateful that it no longer bears significance how many times someone has (reportedly) escorted 17-year-olds across state borders or participated in substance-laden gatherings; one can still be in the running for a cabinet position—or at the very least, score a role as a celebrity on Cameo.
I appreciate that I never earned travel points on the Lolita Express or by flying with Spirit Airlines.
I’m thankful I opted out of getting the same tattoos as Pete Hegseth because I’ve realized they turn out to be too understated. When I finally choose to get ink, it will unequivocally express my desire to abolish the division between church and state.
I’m thankful that I’m not entangled in the so-called “pronoun wars.” Nevertheless, I am updating my conjunctions, and henceforth my email signature will read:
Jon Macks, And/nor/yet
(I’d consider altering my adverbs, but truthfully, I still find myself quite confused about what they actually are. Or is it more accurately, mightily confused?)
I’m grateful that we reside in a nation that honors its seniors, even when they reach an age where their capabilities aren’t what they once were… such as Joe Biden, Mitch McConnell, and Aaron Rodgers.
Regarding Biden, I’m appreciative that this week he granted clemency to two turkeys. I just hope they have absorbed the lesson and won’t engage in violent activity again.
I’m thankful for my investment in bitcoin, influenced by the financial advice of a 23-year-old acquaintance I met at SoulCycle.
I’m grateful that with a new president who undoubtedly embodies mediation and reconciliation, there’s hope for harmony between two rivals whose relentless feud is causing chaos in the world: Drake and Kendrick Lamar.
I have gratitude for A.I. I didn’t compose this; it was generated by A.I.
On behalf of everyone who has collaborated with her or worked for her, I feel thankful that Ellen DeGeneres is now residing in England.
And we needn’t fret about the British reaction because 1) they are still coping with the repercussions of us sending Meghan Markle their way and 2) they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. I recently learned they also don’t recognize July Fourth? What’s that all about?
As a devoted admirer of RFK Jr., I am thankful that everyone can reap the advantages of raw milk. And if you happen to fall ill from it, I hear bleach will have you back on your feet promptly.
Moreover, I’m grateful that Elon Musk has yet to acquire all the Infinity Stones.
Wishing you a joyful Thanksgiving!
