Have you ever concealed a purchase from your partner, or has your partner ever concealed one from you? If that’s the case, either you or your partner may have committed financial infidelity. A survey from Bankrate in 2024 indicated that this occurrence is not rare—42% of U.S. adults who are married or in partnerships have kept financial secrets from their partners. Financial professionals address five critical queries regarding financial infidelity below.
1. What constitutes financial infidelity?
The situations that define financial infidelity can differ, as each relationship has distinct understandings and agreements concerning finances. In one couple, each individual might have discretionary spending money they can use without prior discussion, whereas in another couple, the expectation might be to consult each other before making any purchase.
An action is deemed financial infidelity when one partner deliberately misleads the other or omits crucial information. According to Jillian Knight, a qualified marriage and family therapist with a focus on financial matters, this intent is crucial. When the action is plainly deceptive, it shifts away from being merely a misunderstanding or a lapse in communication and transforms into a violation of trust.
Examples of financial infidelity include withdrawing cash without informing your spouse, maintaining secret bank accounts, hiding cash, acquiring credit cards without your partner’s awareness, or amassing gambling debts.
2. What causes financial infidelity?
According to Knight, the root cause of financial infidelity usually stems from a lack of emotional safety within the partnership that prevents open discussions about finances. “They may not feel secure enough to share with their partner without facing criticism or feeling at fault,” Knight explains.
3. How does financial infidelity impact a relationship?
Financial infidelity represents a form of betrayal. “It significantly undermines trust, which is fundamental to relationships, isn’t it?” Knight observes. This often leads partners to question other aspects of their partner’s behavior. For instance, if one partner is engaging in this behavior, what else might they be hiding? This realization can be deeply painful.
Aja Evans, a licensed therapist who specializes in the connection between emotions and finances, notes that individuals often underestimate how much they associate their feelings of safety or stability with financial matters. “If money is flowing toward something unrelated to family needs, where one assumed it was allocated, it can severely erode trust. This can result in anxiety and feelings of insecurity,” she states.
In various instances, the repercussions of financial infidelity can be as significant as those stemming from physical infidelity. The 2024 Bankrate survey revealed that more than a quarter of adults perceive withholding financial information from a partner as being just as harmful as cheating physically. “I believe it has a similar emotional impact,” Knight remarks. “It’s akin to a breach of trust—thinking, ‘I relied on this person, and they acted dishonestly outside our relationship.’”
4. What can couples do to recover from financial infidelity?
Experts concur that before partners can start addressing the financial implications of financial infidelity—such as repaying debts or shutting down secret accounts—they first need to tackle the emotional aspects. “Couples often find it challenging to navigate their feelings… I think one of the biggest hurdles is managing the anger or showing empathy when listening to the other person,” Evans comments.
Knight points out that achieving a middle ground can be tough, as one partner may feel justified in their actions while the other is hurt, leading to defensiveness.
Identifying the root cause of the financial infidelity is essential. Evans prompts partners to ask, “What circumstances led you to feel as though you couldn’t discuss this… or share your feelings regarding the situation?” It’s vital to “create a space where both parties can express their feelings… without fear of judgment,” she advises.
Once both partners achieve emotional clarity, it’s time to pivot to practical financial solutions. Recovering from financial infidelity necessitates a reevaluation of financial systems to prevent future breaches of trust, gradually rebuild trust, and ensure clarity for everyone involved.
Strategies for financial recovery
The resolution for each couple will depend on the specifics surrounding the financial infidelity. For instance, in a scenario where one partner felt overly restricted, they might agree on a set amount for personal spending that doesn’t require accountability. Conversely, if one partner has incurred debt, they may need to collaboratively establish a repayment plan, ensure transparency regarding spending, and implement a system for checking in on each other’s accounts. Knight notes that in instances of gambling addiction, additional treatment and counseling might be necessary.
Whatever the situation, Evans highlights that both partners should be aware of their overall financial state and how money is being allocated. This situation represents a chance for a reset. “Many couples inadvertently fall into their way of handling finances. I suggest they take time to thoughtfully structure their financial management,” Knight advises. Open communication is also crucial to recovering from and preventing financial infidelity in the future.
5. What steps can partners take to avoid financial infidelity?
“Discuss finances frequently and early on,” recommends Evans. While partners may hesitate to address financial matters at the beginning of their relationship, as they grow closer and consider marriage, Evans suggests they engage in discussions about the following topics:
- What insights did you gain about money during your upbringing?
- What are your thoughts on financial matters?
- How do you feel regarding money?
- What methods do you use to manage your finances?
- What financial goals do you have, and what aspirations do you wish to achieve in the future?
By exploring these questions, couples set the groundwork for a better understanding of each other’s financial perspectives—fostering a foundation for open financial dialogues.
Post-marriage, it’s essential to continue these discussions. Evans advocates for regular financial meetings to review finances throughout the marriage. She recommends establishing both individual and joint goals at the start of the year. These goals might encompass saving for a down payment, a vacation, or retirement, paying off debts, curtailing impulse purchases, or adhering to a budget.
Couples should then conduct monthly financial meetings to evaluate their progress toward both individual and shared objectives. If goals are not being met, they should analyze why—identifying challenges and methods to realign their efforts. These meetings are also ideal for discussing spending habits, unplanned expenses, savings, and other factors influencing the mutual financial landscape.
“People often find it difficult to engage in money discussions, but this shouldn’t deter us from having those conversations. They are crucial and will only bring you closer together,” Evans emphasizes.
