“I worry that I’m failing as a mother—and perhaps I’m not even approaching it the right way.”
A fatigued young working mom, her eyes glistening with unshed tears from sleepless nights, shared these sentiments with me. I’ve had similar discussions with a number of women lately. I can relate to their feelings.
To these weary and overwhelmed mothers, as well as other caregivers, I want to convey a singular message: Please, practice more self-compassion. Would you permit someone else to speak to you in the same way that you speak to yourself?
Whether you’re caring for your children or an elderly relative, you’re juggling the duties of effectively two roles. Dismiss the inner critic that hovers over, murmuring, you ought to have done this, or you should have accomplished that. Sure, you might have been able to, but other priorities took precedence at that moment, or during that week.
To these weary and overwhelmed mothers, as well as other caregivers, I want to convey a singular message: Please, practice more self-compassion.
There is no definitive guide on balancing a career and motherhood—on how to “have it all.” However, it is possible to excel at both.
Your approach is influenced by various unique factors: your aspirations, individual circumstances, family life, and the career path you wish to pursue. There aren’t any one-size-fits-all solutions. With that in mind, here are the insights that have helped me, alongside the lessons I wished I’d known when I was 21.
1. Cease the comparisons with other moms.
Your schedule can’t be matched to that of the mom who volunteers at school thrice a week. Avoid going down that road. Focus on what truly matters to your child and invest your energy there. Personally, I tend to prioritize the significant events—class parties or occasions where my presence would truly make a difference.
2. Inquire about your kids’ feelings and allow that to guide you.
Instead of gauging success through external expectations, reflect on your family’s well-being. Are they content and well-adjusted? If so, don’t become ensnared in societal norms. Also, don’t forget to stop comparing yourself.
3. Treat crucial family gatherings as client meetings.
I block off dates for holiday gatherings and end-of-year programs on my calendar well in advance. I prioritize when my involvement is most significant to my children and safeguard that time, whether it’s just as the guest reader in class. No apologies, no explanations at work, and no guilt.
4. Involve your children in your decisions.
During periods when I was immersed in significant projects, I had to dedicate ample hours to work. I communicated to my sons that I had made a commitment and wanted to excel, which required extra effort. I aimed for them to understand that my work was not just work; at a deeper level, it involved honoring my promises and delivering results. Children learn that there are moments when hard work cannot be substituted.
5. Consider the larger picture beyond a day or a week.
Don’t be too hard on yourself for a particularly chaotic 24 hours or a single week. Assess the schedules and family time over a much wider timeframe—months, not just days.
6. Seek out the right partner(s).
Success in both careers and parenting relies on partnerships. It’s essential to evaluate your life partner’s mindset early on. For instance, before our oldest got his driver’s license, my husband, Jim, and I reviewed our calendars and strategized on covering the boys’ activities, highlighting our partnership. Single parents can find similar support from friends and family.
7. Exit environments that don’t align with your definition of success.
Avoid setting yourself up for disappointment. Acknowledge when your career path doesn’t resonate with your personal goals. If you prefer not to travel and cherish your free evenings and weekends, fields like real estate or management consulting may pose challenges. Alternatively, consider finding a workaround. Be pragmatic—industry culture is unlikely to shift.
8. Get comfortable with saying no.
Make “no” your closest ally and become proficient at prioritizing. Time is your most valuable asset. Saying yes to one commitment automatically implies saying no to another—even if that decision is unspoken.
9. Communicate your needs.
Establish boundaries. Articulate your expectations. Discuss your desired role, preferred schedule, and career aspirations. No one can anticipate your thoughts. If you need more time at home for a child facing difficulties in school, don’t let co-workers think, “call me anytime this weekend.” Avoid undermining yourself because of guilt or ingrained habits.
10. Host friends, even if your furniture isn’t brand new.
Busy, stressed moms often think, I can’t invite friends over because my couch is old, my home is cluttered, and so on…. I understand because I used to feel that way. Go ahead and invite people over anyway. Order some pizza. Share a bottle of wine. The perfect scenario will never emerge—it’s simply not possible. Friendships bring joy, significance, and a healthy perspective into our lives.
Remember that this challenge transcends being a career mom; it’s a shared human experience.
Keep in mind that this challenge isn’t solely a career-focused mom issue; it is part of the human experience. Many individuals grapple with various challenges—aging parents, challenging relationships, and health issues within the family. Some struggles are just more evident and widely shared than others. Life inevitably involves trade-offs.
Therefore, be gentle with yourself. As you cultivate kindness toward yourself, extend that same kindness to other women, supporting them in whatever way you can.
