Each individual, especially children, seeks an identity that extends beyond their personal existence—something they can connect with, be a part of, and derive safety and assurance from. It is often those children who fail to acquire this sense of belonging from their families who gravitate towards the rituals, “colors,” and customs associated with gangs or other substitutes for familial identity.
Robust traditions are found in every enduring establishment—in churches, in schools, in fraternities, and certainly in families. Traditions act as the cohesive force that binds families together. Children cherish and hold onto family traditions not solely because they are fun, but also because they bring predictability and stability to an otherwise unpredictable world.
Nearly every family has traditions, sometimes on a subconscious level, often revolving around holidays or special events. However, some parents come to recognize the significance of traditions, including their power to impart values, enhance communication, provide security to children, and strengthen family bonds. These parents can redefine and refine their family traditions to endow them with genuine and enduring bonding strength.
Examine and reassess your family traditions
Begin by evaluating and reflecting on your family’s traditions. What do you observe during each holiday? How do you celebrate each family birthday? Do you have any weekly customs, such as a designated Sunday dinner? Are there monthly traditions in place, like reviewing the calendar and planning for the upcoming month? Create a list that outlines your yearly, monthly, and weekly traditions.
Next, as a family, consider the following three questions:
- What level of joy or fun does each tradition bring?
- What values are conveyed through each tradition?
- Are there any lapses—months without a holiday or birthday custom?
With these inquiries in focus, rework and redesign your family traditions. Formalize them by documenting them on a chart or in a designated book.
Here’s an example of what transpired during our reassessment:
- We altered certain traditions. For instance, our Thanksgiving custom had primarily revolved around overeating and watching football all day long. We decided to shift the focus towards gratitude by collaboratively compiling a list on a lengthy roll of cash register tape, detailing all the small things for which we are thankful. Each year, we strive to “break the record” for the total items listed.
- We concluded that having at least one significant family tradition each month would be beneficial. Most of these centered around birthdays or holidays, but we noticed a lack of traditions in May or September. Thus, we established a “welcome-spring day” (which involves a hike) and a “welcome-fall day” (a picnic).
- We documented all the traditions, organized by month, in an elegant leather-bound book. A brief description of each tradition occupies the left side, while a child’s artistic representation of that activity appears on the right.
In addition to annual birthday or holiday customs, shorter-term traditions may also exist. Many families observe religious traditions on Saturdays or Sundays. There may also be customary methods of preparing a specific meal, getting ready for school, or packing for a journey.
A narrative to demonstrate the unifying strength of traditions
One personal experience highlights the enduring nature and bonding power of family traditions. On my birthday in October, it had always been our practice to gather large piles of leaves with the kids, jumping into them, stuffing them in our shirts, tossing them in the air, and generally enjoying a lively time together. We suspected that as the children grew older, they would lose interest in such a silly pastime. To our surprise, as teenagers, their enthusiasm for the leaf piles only intensified. Eventually, there came a year when our two oldest children had moved out—our son was off to his first year of college, while our daughter was engaged in humanitarian work at an orphanage in Bulgaria. I felt their absence deeply as my birthday approached; however, on the morning of my birthday, I received an envelope in the mail from each of them. I eagerly opened my daughter’s first, curious about the card she would choose to send.
It turned out not to be a card at all. Instead, it was a leaf, adorned with a Post-it note that read, “Dad, this is a Bulgarian leaf. The orphans helped me honor your tradition. Much love, Jill. P.S. Dad, remember, I’m still part of our family!” The envelope from my son shockingly also contained a leaf (no, they hadn’t conferred beforehand to coordinate this), but in true boyish fashion, he didn’t include a note. I could almost picture Jason thinking, “I’ll just send Dad a leaf—he’ll get the message.”
Take some time to review your family traditions. Do they facilitate the teaching of values and the enhancement of communication? Adjust and evolve your traditions to ensure they are as productive as they are enjoyable. Compile them by month in a designated book or place them on a family calendar for easy anticipation and planning. Elevate their importance until they earn a life of their own.
