At the age of five, obtaining that cookie was the main focus. Did you ask for it kindly and receive the cookie? Or did you throw a fit? Did you take a calm approach to gain it? Or perhaps you sneaked around your parents to grab that treat? Children learn what methods are effective, and these communication habits shape their personality.
Being straightforward and transparent—communicating assertively—is the most beneficial and effective way to interact. While individuals often have a preferred communication style, we tend to employ all four styles based on the context and the person we’re interacting with. Communication is a skill that can be developed, and it’s essential to recognize that we have options in how we express ourselves.
Passive-aggressive communication poses significant challenges for others. When you encounter it, clarity becomes elusive; you might see the passive-aggressive individual as a friend and may unwittingly open up, only to find yourself at risk of being undermined. The ethos of the passive-aggressive is: “I will smile at you, but behind your back, I’ll do things to make your life miserable.”
If you’ve ever contemplated making a certain person who needs some lessons suffer—even just a little—you’re inching toward the treacherous domain of passive-aggressiveness. Avoid that path.
Gossiping and telling tales are features of passive-aggressive behavior. Someone who insists, “I am not a gossip,” is likely engaging in gossip. If you hear negative remarks followed by, “But she really is a good friend of mine,” take that as another warning sign.
When addressing someone’s passive-aggressive tendencies, remember that they are often motivated by a desire for revenge when they feel wronged. You may not have harmed them, but they view your actions as inappropriate or unjust. Because they believe others control their lives, they often lack the capability, knowledge, desire, and confidence to engage assertively.
To effectively engage with someone who uses passive-aggressive communication:
- Communicate openly and honestly to exemplify healthy, assertive dialogue and minimize confrontations.
- Confront them and require them to express to you directly what they usually convey behind your back. If they are employing the silent treatment, disregard it.
- Stand your ground when they openly oppose you.
- Challenge inappropriate actions positively and constructively, but be prepared for potential backlash.
Indecisiveness:
The Passive Type
The passive individual poses another challenge, as they strive to dodge confrontation at all costs. They speak little and query even less. They prefer to maintain the status quo because they’ve discovered it feels safer.
Those with a passive demeanor often lack the confidence to communicate assertively. They have a distrust of others’ reactions to their attempts at assertiveness. Passive individuals pretend that everything is fine and prioritize others, while internally, they may be struggling.
Why bother figuring out how to handle passive individuals? They seem to be the perfectly accommodating, non-disruptive types. However, the reality is that passives create ongoing chaos by not disclosing their true feelings or stances. They are too preoccupied with maintaining tranquility.
To navigate interactions with a passive person:
- Be transparent, direct, and honest, exemplifying assertive behavior.
- Build trust. Enable passive individuals to feel confident sharing their thoughts and worries by ensuring they feel valued and respected.
- Foster a setting conducive to problem-solving and exploring alternatives.
- Don’t allow the passive individual to shy away from confrontation. Address the issue promptly, rather than emulating the avoidance behavior typical of passive personalities.
- Empower the passive person to make choices and acknowledge their contributions positively.
Inflicting Anger and Pain:
The Aggressive Type
Aggressive personalities often use manipulation through guilt, pain, intimidation, and control tactics. Whether covert or overt, aggressive individuals want immediate fulfillment of their needs!
Aggressive communicators rely on this method because it proves effective. They can be verbal bullies.
Aggressive communicators are distinct from those who are assertive. While assertive individuals are direct and candid, aggressive communicators express their thoughts but do so without consideration for others’ feelings.
To manage interactions with someone who communicates aggressively:
- Stand your ground to counter the aggressive onslaught.
- Confront their actions. Allowing them to manipulate you will only lead to a lack of respect.
- Steer clear of emotional reactions based on impulse.
- Assert that their aggressive behavior is unacceptable.
The Healthy Personality:
Assertiveness
An assertive communication style is the most effective way to deal with challenging individuals. Unfortunately, it is the style used the least.
Communicating assertively allows you to express your needs, concerns, and emotions in a transparent and honest manner without resorting to threats, manipulation, or ulterior motives. Assertive individuals ask questions, seek clarity, consider varied perspectives, and engage in constructive, open-ended discussions without resorting to anger, hurt feelings, or defensiveness.
Keep in mind that you always have the power to choose your communication style. You can also decide how others engage with you.
Embracing assertiveness can help diffuse anger, alleviate guilt, and strengthen both professional and personal relationships.
