According to a survey conducted by NerdWallet, over 50% of married individuals and more than 66% of engaged Americans find it challenging to engage in meaningful financial discussions with their significant other. Shatavia Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist, points out that this is not entirely unexpected. She remarks, “[Money discussions] remain somewhat of a taboo. If you’re looking for uncomfortable moments, just bring up subjects like sex, politics, or finances,” she states.
Nevertheless, Thomas emphasizes that conversations surrounding financial matters before tying the knot are essential for those either planning to wed or who have already entered into a legal union. Money-related discussions frequently occur as couples make decisions ranging from whether to save for a future home or travel to simply choosing between purchasing $3 or $8 orange juice at the supermarket. The same NerdWallet survey revealed that 60% of respondents regretted not addressing certain financial issues with their partners prior to marriage.
This lack of dialogue regarding finances can lead to complications over time. A NerdWallet survey indicates that 60% of married Americans expressed a desire to have discussed specific financial topics before getting hitched. Engaging in financial conversations prior to marriage can create a robust foundation for both a sound financial future and a healthier relationship overall.
Below are tips on how to initiate discussions about money before marriage and key topics to cover.
Begin with the fundamentals
In her practice located in Atlanta, Thomas assists couples in exploring money values and the fiscal influences they inherited from their families. “If you come from a background where finances were limited, you may tend to have a more conservative approach to spending,” she explains. “Conversely, if you originate from a financially abundant family—there’s nothing wrong with that—you may develop a different relationship with money. You might not fully grasp the sacrifices and stress tied to financial management that your partner may be familiar with.”
An individual’s upbringing significantly shapes their perception of money. Thomas outlines that people typically adopt one of four viewpoints regarding finances. They might regard it as a source of security, a means of exhibiting status and power, a way to enjoy rewards for hard work, or as a method of control. Each perspective influences how a person approaches saving or spending and can dictate their expenditure decisions.
To delve into these perspectives, Thomas recommends that partners pose questions such as:
- What lessons did you learn about money from your childhood?
- What was your family’s financial situation like?
- What does money symbolize for you?
“Before diving into specifics like ‘what kind of financial decisions will we make?’ it’s vital to first communicate my thought processes, values, and life experiences to you. Engaging in these discussions can lay a strong groundwork for the more intricate topics that follow,” Thomas advises.
Six key topics to explore before marriage regarding merging finances
During her private practice, mental health counselor Marissa Moore navigates challenging financial conversations with clients about joint finances before marriage and what actions to take after they are wed.
She recommends discussing the following subjects:
1. Your current financial situation
It’s crucial for partners to understand one another’s financial circumstances, including any debts (such as student loans and credit card debt), savings, income, and other financial commitments, including charitable donations and credit ratings. “Transparency at this stage cultivates trust and prevents unpleasant surprises later on. This openness is essential for effective collaborative planning,” Moore states.
2. Your spending tendencies
As mentioned by Thomas, someone’s upbringing can shape their views on money, influencing whether they lean towards spending or saving. Moore points out that “Understanding each other’s spending habits aids in curating a balanced budget that feels equitable and achievable for both partners.”
3. How you’ll handle accounts and share financial responsibilities
Will you implement joint checking and savings accounts? Maintain separate accounts? Or perhaps blend both approaches? How will you cover your monthly expenses—using the shared account, for example?
4. Your financial duties and responsibilities
In numerous relationships, one partner usually excels—either through skills or background—in managing finances and assumes the main responsibility. Conversely, in other cases, couples might share tasks like settling bills or overseeing investment accounts. It’s crucial, then, to “clearly establish these roles to avert misunderstandings and ensure all financial responsibilities are handled,” advises Moore.
5. Budgeting according to your lifestyle and managing debt
“Discuss your lifestyle expectations and ensure they align with your financial reality… this helps mitigate future conflicts,” Moore recommends. She also highlights the importance of addressing debt management. For instance, will you tackle debt cooperatively (even if it was incurred by just one person) or will the responsible party remain solely accountable for it?
6. Your savings strategies and future goals
Savings can encompass everything from building an emergency fund, planning a dream vacation, purchasing a home, or preparing for retirement. “Significant financial decisions can greatly influence your finances, making it essential to plan for them collaboratively,” emphasizes Moore.
Financial considerations of having children
Whether or not a couple intends to start a family is a broader dialogue that encompasses their life vision, roles, and values. However, the choice to have children and subsequent child-rearing significantly affects a couple’s finances. In 2015, the USDA estimated the annual cost of raising a child at roughly $18,000 from birth until age 17, adjusted for inflation. Thus, the financial implications of having kids merit discussion prior to marriage. “This topic comes into play at different stages, from daycare expenses, child allowances, to debates over private versus public education or funding for college,” Thomas notes.
Returning to conversations about family upbringing can prove useful here as well. Thomas recommends that couples reflect on how they were raised, considering the advantages and downsides of their childhood financial experiences. Such discussions can set a foundation for shared expectations related to the significant—and often joyful—commitment of parenting.
In addition to dialogues about children, it may also be beneficial for some couples to discuss caregiving responsibilities for aging parents or other family members.
And what about prenuptial agreements?
A 2022 Harris Poll revealed that 15% of Americans have signed a prenup—not just individuals with substantial wealth. A prenuptial agreement (a legal contract entered into before marriage allowing couples to define their rights and responsibilities) typically pertains to divorce scenarios, leading some to perceive them as foreshadowing the marriage’s failure. Conversely, others regard a prenup as a means to safeguard each other’s assets while beginning their marriage with a clear financial understanding.
Some view it as, “I built all of this before our relationship, so it’s important for me to retain a sense of ownership over my achievements,” explains Thomas. “Conversely, some individuals feel completely united in all aspects.”
Regardless of a couple’s stance on prenuptial agreements, Thomas stresses that like any other topic explored in marital therapy, discussions surrounding prenups should be approached with a focus on shared values, respect, empathy, and understanding the other person’s viewpoint.
The takeaway
Remember, discussing finances is not a one-off discussion. While it’s crucial to talk about merging finances before marriage, maintaining ongoing conversations is equally important. “I consistently encourage couples to revisit their financial arrangements over time. Life evolves, and so do financial circumstances. Keeping lines of communication open allows you to stay aligned and adjust as needed,” advises Moore.
